I have not talked to many friends about my struggle with getting pregnant. I have kept my secret pretty guarded as I like to keep my business pretty private. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. But, when it really comes down to it the reason I don’t talk much about it is because I know that it causes others to feel awkward. I remember when I first experienced my first miscarriage only my family and one other friend knew about it. Then one night, exactly a year ago, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. I was thrilled for her, but I felt a lump in my throat and my body wanted to shut down. Within ten seconds I blurted out, “I had a miscarriage.” Why did I feel the need to ruin her moment?
In all honesty I have started to open up to a few people outside my close circle, but I am usually a few glasses of wine deep. ( I usually deeply regret it in the morning)
After three miscarriages and a year and half of trying I am starting to wonder if my everyday struggle is weathering on my friends. I try to not talk about it too much, not because I don’t want to, but I don’t want to burden them. Why should I feel burdened? I don’t know. It’s one of the millions of reasons that infertility and miscarriages suck. It’s one of the reasons that it can be so lonely.
My husband and I started having the talk today about what our next step is. Our doctor recommends that we do IVF with CCS. That recommendation came to me as quite a shock. It took every fiber in my body not to break down and cry when those words came out of his mouth. After months of blood work, ultrasounds, and tests there isn’t one thing that is wrong with me, but there are quite a few small things that add up. My thyroid, random shape of my uterus, a small gene mutation, and a few other things that I can’t even remember. Even with all of that I didn’t think that my next step was IVF. I thought my next step was the doctor would give me lots of pills and then take lots of precautions when I finally got pregnant again. But, nope! He does not think I will have a successful pregnancy on my own. DAMMIT!!!
So here is my journey on what to do next and trying to figure out my life in between.