Somedays the fact that I haven’t been able to sustain a pregnancy slaps me in the face hard, and when it hits, the ugly cry comes out. I am one of those people that tend to cry in private and don’t like to share my misery with others. My mother says that I have always been that way since I was a little girl. She would say that I would just stare at her with a stern face almost saying “I dare you to make me cry.” I never caved, I think I still have barely let her see me cry. But, when alone I cry all the time. I cry at commercials. I cry during sad books. I cry at all movies. I cry when there is no wine in the house. I don’t know why I choose to suffer in silence. Maybe I should start seeing a therapist. That’s an entire different issue, but for now this blog will be my therapy.
Today the ugly cry made an appearance in a big way. My girlfriend who already has a beautiful 1 year old let me know that she saw the two pink lines that I have been dying to see. I am happy for her, but more importantly I am sad for myself. Sad that even if I did see the two pink lines I wouldn’t be able to be as excited as she is. Because 3 out of 3 times those two pink lines have brought me heartache. They have broken my spirit. They have brought me so much loneliness that at times it’s unbearable. So when she told me her happy news I couldn’t be happy in that exact moment and the ugly cry came gushing out. Luckily it was early in the morning and I was still at home and not in line at the Starbucks. (yes that is where I spend my mornings..don’t judge) When the ugly cry hits there is no stopping it. Its like a tsunami of tears that just keep flowing out and there is no off switch.
The ugly cry came out in full force today not just because of my friends announcement, but because I am struggling what to do with my next step in my fertility struggle. Do I go after the two pink lines naturally or do I let me doctor intervene and proceed with IVF with PGS as he recommended. My fertility specialist has let me know that more than likely I will have miscarriage after miscarriage. But, am I giving up on my body if I don’t try one last time? Tonight my husband and I are going to sit down and really talk about what our next step should be. All I know is I can’t handle another heartbreak. I can’t handle the excitement of finding two pink lines and then the let down of yet another depressing ultrasound. I may permanently have an ugly cry face if that happens.