I remember how hard the holidays were for me last year. I had just experienced my first miscarriage and was trying to deal with the loss, sadness, anger, and everything that comes all wrapped up nicely in a miscarriage. I was thrust into christmas parties in my small hometown and had countless questions about when I was going to start my family, countless comments of “oh you’re a natural, and blah blah blah! It was rough to say the least, but I got through it. I got through it because I envisioned what my next christmas would bring. I envisioned that I would either have a newborn baby to spoil on christmas morning or that I would be so very pregnant that I couldn’t even bend over to put on my high heels for christmas dinner. Unfortunately, this christmas passed without me having a bulging pregnancy belly or without the cries of newborn. This christmas brought another year of my body failing me. Another year of saddness. Another year of disappointment.
Even with a heart so heavy, I was able to enjoy the holidays with my friends and family. I was able to spend christmas day feeling so blessed, so blessed to be surrounded by people I love, and by people who have been very supportive this year. I even made it through the holidays without downing a bottle of Pinot Noir in the corner all alone like I had envisioned. Or probably as my family had also envisioned. I took it easy on the wine, which is not easy for me as I love wine almost more than I love my husband. I know I am lucky to have so many supportive and wonderful people in my life. And, while infertility can be very lonely; I am going to take the next few days to remember all the reasons I have to be happy.
But, come January 1st…..I’ll go back to saddness and anger!