Bring on 2015

I started out the new year in high hopes. I woke up January 1st feeling that this would be my year. I believed that after three losses there is no way that I could have more. I believed that I had been through my unlucky days and that only positive ones lie ahead. I had a consultation with a new fertility doctor who gave me hope that IVF with PGS did not have to be in my immediate future, that I could try naturally and be successful. I was full of excitement and hope for what the new year would bring.

Unfortunately, that hope and optimism didn’t last long. I woke up one morning and realized that what I thought was my time of the month was a little off and not normal. So, I did what anyone trying to conceive does and took my umpteenth hundred pregnancy test of the month and saw the two pink lines. The second line was the faintest of faint, but at least it was there. I took about three more after that to make sure that my eyes weren’t playing a trick on me and they weren’t. The tiny faint pink line was there. I had a second of excitement followed by hours of panic, because if I was pregnant it should have shown up earlier. Why did it take so long to get this line and why is it so faint.


My excitement and nervousness were short lived as I started heavily bleeding that night. I hadn’t even had time to tell my husband yet. As soon as the red started to appear I knew what was happening, I was loosing this child as well. It was not meant to stick and maybe it was not even meant to show up on a pregnancy test. I spent the next day huddled in bed just waiting for it to pass and alot did pass that day. Since it was the new year and I just switched to a new insurance I was not able to get seen right away by a new OBGYN and was urged to go to the ER to make sure everything was fine. That was another nightmare in itself.


I have never been to the ER and the only thing I know about hospitals is what I have seen on Greys Anatomy. Much to my disappointment it is nothing like that. Meredith Grey is not running around the hospital and I didn’t spot any McDreamys. Instead I got a lot of overworked employees who just went through the motions. Note to anyone else who ever finds themselves in that situation, if they make you wait for hours in the waiting room just have an emotional breakdown with large tears. That does the trick.  I was kept in the ER for 5 or 6 painful hours. It was not pleasant, but at least my husband was able to take time off work and sit with me. Everything felt very overly dramatic to me as I had been through this before 3 times and felt I knew what to expect. To top it off, I was wheeled to the ultrasound tech in the hospital bed. I tried to get a wheelchair, but they insisted that I stay in the bed. I couldn’t stop laughing as I was wheeled up floors to the ultra sound. I felt ok that at least I was able to find humor in a situation that has little humor.

This experience proved to me what I already knew in my gut, I need to use IVF to sustain a pregnancy. I am not thrilled that this is the route I have to take, but I am fortunate that it is available to me. Unfortunately in Oregon IVF is not covered by my insurance so everything is OOP. So bring on the budget. Bring on the needles and the pain. Bring on the numerous ultrasounds and doctors appointments. But, my importantly bring on the chance to have a successful pregnancy.


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