My husband and I have finally decided that IVF with PGS is the best route for us. It took us 19 months and 4 miscarriages to get here, but alas, we are here. The decision to start IVF wasn’t an easy one. In some ways I feel like I am giving up on my body, even though my body has failed me so many times in the past. This decision has weighed heavily on my heart since the first time my fertility doctor mentioned the process. I was not thrilled to learn that this may be my journey. In fact, I sat in my car and cried for an hour after I had the discussion with my doctor. Since I was getting pregnant I didn’t think IVF would be my future, but turns out thats not the case. (The issue of chromosomes and genetics can be saved for another day) My husband was a little more strong and encouraged me to get a second opinion before we made our decision. I went on to see two more doctors. Both doctors gave me an option of trying Progesterone if I wanted to try natural again, but they weren’t certain that would help. I entertained this idea for a while but, after the fourth miscarriage I knew that I could not suffer another one. I knew that IVF with PGS was going to be the right path for us. I haven’t even been able to entertain the idea that it may not work. I’m going forward with the mindset that it will work…it has to work.
The hard part now is all the waiting. Waiting to get an appointment, waiting to get more pre-screening tests done, waiting to fill out all the required paperwork, and waiting to sign a very large check. Needless to say, I am tired of playing the waiting game. I feel like these last 19 months I have been waiting and now I am forced to wait even longer. I’ve waited for my period not to come. Then I waited for my period to arrive quickly. I’ve waited nervously for ultrasounds and appointments. I’ve waited for my body to reject the very thing that I was trying to create. I’ve waited to start this new chapter of my life. I’ve waited enough.
More waiting to come, because who knew that there are so many steps in the pre-screening process to starting IVF. I didn’t. I am starting to realize that there are so many things I have to learn about IVF and the emotional and physical process that is about to take place. I thought making the decision was the hard part. I thought that waiting to make the decision was the last of my waiting. But, that doesn’t seem to be the case. There is more blood to draw, more ways to check out my uterus, and one very large calendar to create. Can you sense that I’m sick of the waiting game? Ugh, I’m starting to hate that word.
My husband and I haven’t told our family and friends that we are going ahead with this process. (I have secretly told a couple of friends, but thats on the DL..shhh.) I am conflicted on who we are going to tell and let into our secret journey of trying to become parents. So far we have kept our circle pretty small. Just close friends and family. I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of, but for some reason I don’t feel like sharing my news with the world. I feel that this is my journey and that I want to keep it close to the vest. I feel that the decision to start IVF is a personal one and for now I am keeping this circle small. However, when I finally have a child of my own I will share with everyone the struggles of my journey. I will share that I am so blessed that IVF with PGS is even an option for me.
So today I am off to fill out more paperwork and see when I can get this process started. The sooner the better!!