Lately I am feeling as if I have put my life on hold. I plan my days/weeks around doctors appointments and feel as if I am just sitting around waiting for them to happen. I feel stuck in a daily fog that won’t go away. Most importantly I can’t seem to let it go away. I cling to it daily as a reason why I can’t do anything. I need that fog so that I can feel ok with not being my usual self.
I am also feeling frustrated that I have become the friend that can’t commit to anything. I can’t plan girlfriend getaways like I used to and I can’t commit for anything for the forseeable future. This aspect of starting IVF is really starting to frustrate me. Now that my calendar is canceled and will be re-scheduled at a future date I can’t make plans or look forward to anything to late summer.
Each day is a battle for me to find small joys and happiness as I just sit and wait for my ultimate goal, to finally have a successful pregnancy. I am getting annoyed at myself that I have become that person, that I have had to focus 100% of my time, money, and energy on getting knocked up. I can’t even enjoy wine. When I sneak a glass I feel guilty and don’t even enjoy it – folks – if you knew me you would know that this is major. I love a glass of wine. What is happening to me?
This morning I find myself just sitting around waiting for the doctor’s office to call so I can confirm that my hysterocopy will be scheduled for next week. Then, I know that once that is confirmed and planned I will sit around waiting for it to happen. My life is going by in increments and I am not enjoying it the way I should.
So, I have made a deal with myself to let go of this fog and get it together! I keep telling myself to get it freaking together, but I need to write it down. If I don’t write things down, I ignore them.
I am committing myself to doing the following:
1. Daily Exercise
Once my stims start I won’t be allowed the opportunity to sweat it out at the gym and so I am getting my butt in gear and heading to the gym. I also need to head to yoga on a routine basis. I used to be so good, but latley I find the lamest reasons why I can’t make yoga or head to the gym. (BTW….The gym is 5 minutes from my house….I have no excuse)
2. Happiness Journal
For a birthday I was given The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. This book was inspiring to make little changes and notice how they affect ones happiness. After I read this book a few years ago I would right down daily thoughts about what made me happy that day. Needless to say, I haven’t done that in two years. Well, it begins now!
4. Cooking More
When I found out that I was hypothyroid I decided to be more strict about sticking to a gluten free diet. Not easy, but it has to be done. I have bought myself numerous cookbooks, but have yet to really go through and cook the recipes. I am commiting myself to actually getting back in the kitchen (which I love) and cooking more. Sorry Hubby, that means more veggies and less of the pastas and breads you love!
Hopefully this helps me say goodbye to the daily fog and teaches me to enjoy the everyday!