Somedays the feeling of being alone is strong. I find myself alone in my house while my hubby is out on a work trip. It’s times like these when the silence is so loud and so frustrating. A reminder of what I don’t have. What I can’t have.
Today the feeling is worse. It is worse because I was surrounded by my nieces for the past three nights. I was surrounded by screams, laughter, and constant noise. That is what I want for my house. I want the noise of little legs running around being chased by the dog.
I want the chaos.
My nieces are 1 and 3. The perfect ages to make you go insane. I love every second of that insanity. At one point my brother turned to me and said “Are you sure you want to have kids”. I know he didn’t mean any harm by this and I took no offense, because my brother is very supportive of my situation. All I could think was that he doesn’t know how lucky he is. That yes at this moment you may be going insane, but enjoy it. Enjoy the insanity and chaos, because you have it and I don’t.
I think that is the difference between us who fight infertility and those who don’t. They don’t understand what it’s like to sit in a quiet house at night and crave the noise. They don’t understand the emptiness that infertility causes.
I look forward to the day where I can go insane because my child is loud and doesn’t listen and makes me want to pull my hair out. I will be able to think back to these moments and remember how hard I have worked to get to that moment. Someday.
photos from my few days at home to unwind and relax