The path that my hubby and I have been on has not been an easy one. Even before suffering from multiple miscarriages we had issues in our marriage. There were struggles that we easily worked through and some when we couldn’t see the light at the end of the road. We are both very hard-headed people with a need to be right. There have been days when I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and yell I GIVE UP. But, I haven’t and I won’t.
And, I’m so glad that I didn’t.
It hasn’t been an easy journey. The road has been rocky and the climb has been long. But, it has been worth it. I have learned so much in the 8 years that we have been together (4 of those have been married).
Together we learned that life can be hard, but it can also be very rewarding. We learned what it takes to be in a relationship. We then went on to learn what it takes to be in a marriage. That marriage is hard work and not every day is spent in the fairy tale of happily ever after. We learned that we are each others biggest cheerleaders and that our team is the only team.
Then we learned that marriage while going through infertility is even harder.
One lesson that we have learned is that people grieve differently. My hubby grieves alone and it’s quick. He then picks himself up and is ready to move on by the next day. However, I am not. With each miscarriage has come a lengthier grieving process. The first miscarriage I was ready to move on quicker than the others. I was sad and heartbroken, but I understood that a blighted ovum happens and there is nothing I could do about it. I had my moments of breakdowns and sadness, but it didn’t linger long. I was ready to dust myself off and move on. But, not with the other miscarriages. They have broken me to a point where I don’t know how to fix it and neither does my hubby. He is as supportive as he can be, but in the end he can’t truly understand the hole that has been created, the loneliness that has crept into my life.
Grief is described as deep sorrow. I feel that for me the sorrow is deeper than my hubbies. He feels that he doesn’t need to grieve anymore, because he is looking forward to our new journey of IVF. He thinks I am focusing too much on the past of our losses. At times this causes frustration and hurt. I feel that he is minimizing my grief. He is minimizing my feelings. These emotions tend to get bottled up until I can no longer handle the pressure and I explode. (I know that bottling up emotions is not healthy, but it’s how I’ve always been). The explosion is not pretty and it contains lots of waterworks. With each explosion my hubby realizes the amount of grief that I am in and he tries to help and he tries to understand. He tries to pull me back to my normal and sometimes he succeeds. At least he understands that sometimes it takes an explosion for me to get my feelings out and for us to grieve together.
Roles in a marriage can be reversed and it may drive you crazy. In my normal everyday life I am an optimistic person with the glass half full attitude and my hubby is somewhere in the middle. That has changed. For some reason I can’t see the positive, I tend to focus on whats going wrong and what might go wrong. My hubby does not. He wants to focus on all the good things that are about to come and that drives me crazy. The worst part, I don’t know why it drives me crazy. I should be thrilled that he can be so positive during such a crappy situation, but I’m not. They say misery loves company and I’m starting to see why. Somedays I just want him to be sad with me….all freaking day long. When they discovered my polyps I was devastated. That meant another delay in starting IVF. Another delay in me moving forward with my life. My hubby saw it differently. He was happy that they could remove them and give us the best possible chance at our first round of IVF. Ugh, why does he always have to be so positive? I know he is right and he has the right attitude; I just can’t get on board.
In the end I am so grateful for my hubby and the support that he has provided me. The most important thing that I have learned is that marriage is truly a partnership. There is give and take and it is important that it’s shared equally. Without my hubby I could not make it through this journey. It takes a special man to really stand by and support his wife. While my emotional outbursts may frustrate him, he is there for me 100%. He and I just want the same outcome and we may express our emotions differently, but in the end we are on the same page. This is not a journey that I would wish upon anyone and there are days that I can’t understand why I have to go through it. However, I am glad that is has made my marriage stronger than I could have ever imagined and that my love for my hubby grows every day.