Home · infertility · IVF · miscarriage

The Creeping Sadness

Today I woke up positive. The sun was out and I felt like it was going to be an ok day. I had plans to meet up with a girlfriend for coffee and to chat about life. I was going to post a friday foody of something yummy I had made earlier this week. But, slowly that changed. Slowly the sadness and loneliness crept in…and I let it.

So,

I canceled coffee.

I lashed out at my hubby for always working and planning outings without me.

I decided to share my loneliness rather than my recipes.

And, I was satisfied that the sun was being engulfed by rain clouds…so I could take my sad self inside.

Lately, I have felt ok. I have been happy to be surrounded by friends, even if they don’t understand. I have been satisfied being alone, surrounded by my thoughts. I have found solace in silence.

But, not today.

stormy clouds

Today I feel overwhelmed that this is my journey. I feel anxious about my upcoming IVF. I feel isolated from friends who try to understand, but can’t. I feel alone even when in a room full of people. Today also had me thinking about an encounter that I had with a life long girlfriend the other day. We don’t see much of each other anymore, as we live in different states; but whenever we do have the chance to catch up it is a joyous occasion. This past time it wasn’t as joyous.

My friend kept asking me questions about my infertility, IVF, and what my experience has meant for me. She knows that she is one of the few that knows my situation, but I haven’t divulged that much information to her in the past. I decided to share. She decided to share that she never knows what to say to me, because it’s such a delicate situation. I shared with her things can be interpreted as hurtful to the person going through infertility. For some reason, she decided to be confrontational and argue for the sake of arguing. I shared with her that comments such as why don’t you adopt or be happy you’re so young can be hurtful.

She couldn’t and she didn’t understand why.

She went on to say that people are just trying to be supportive. And, I know that…I know some people are at a loss of what to say or how to be supportive, but it is really that hard to be empathetic. Is it really that hard to see that those comments hurt.

Yes, I could eventually adopt if IVF doesn’t work. But, that’s not a simple solution. It’s not like going to the shelter and choosing who I would like to take home to be a part of my family. Adoptions can take years, they can cost more money than fertility treatments, and you have the added stresses of having to deal with a birth family. I applaud those who have the heart to adopt and who can go through the process, but I am not there yet. I am still being selfish and want a child that is mine. I want a child that has my husbands determination and my smile. Why can’t others understand that this comment can cut like a dagger? That this is not the answer for all women suffering from infertility.

Yes, I am lucky that I am only 30 years old and that I still have some good years left. However, I have already gone through two years of heartbreak with repeated pregnancy loss. Why would I want to go through more years of that? Don’t they realize that when they say this comment that they are referring to the fact that I should just suffer through more heartache, more loneliness, and more miscarriages. This is hurtful, because it doesn’t acknowledge the pain that I have been through.

I left our conversation feeling that I am just overly sensitive and that is not how I should feel. I know that I am not overly sensitive. I know that I have been strong throughout this entire process. A friend should not make me feel like this. I know that she didn’t mean to hurt me as she did, but why did she feel the need to be argumentative? This experience reminded me of why I don’t share my situation with everyone. Why I feel the need to walk around with secrets…suffering in silence. Some people will just never understand what it’s truly like to go through infertility or to have your best option be IVF.

I don’t keep my situation a secret because I am ashamed or embarrassed. I am not. I have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. I keep my situation close to my heart, because it is my journey and some people just won’t understand. I have friends who have friends that have  gone through IVF and they think they understand, but in the end they don’t. They don’t really understand the isolation, the frustration, the daily stress that goes into starting a family. They just see from a distance and they don’t see the daily tears.

This encounter has left a tiny whole in my heart. I know our friendship will go forward, but I will tread cautiously. I feel anxious that I have to rely so heavily on IVF. There are no guarantees with IVF and that fear can be overwhelming. I will mark today down as being dispirited by IVF. There is hope that tomorrow will be better.

XO

19 thoughts on “The Creeping Sadness

  1. Hi Stephanie… I get emails when people post a blog and found myself reading yours and thinking that it was so ironic that I had an extremely similar emotional experience this morning. First I want to say thank you for sharing such honest and at least for me very relatable emotion. Im so sorry about your experience with your friend. I also feel like there are VERY few people I can talk to about the IVF but even with those select few I am still very guarded and as I get even closer I don’t really want to share with them at all. My husband is the only one who I really share my true raw feelings with. It is so incredibly close to my heart. I guess I wanted you to know that there was someone out there who gets it. The one thing I cannot relate too is your four miscarriages. I have had one and that was completely and thoroughly more than I ever hope to go through. For that I can only say that I am truly SO sorry that you have had to endure that. How devastating. The heartbreak you’ve gone through is enough for a lifetime so I can only imagine that you are destined for the happiness you totally deserve. like now. All I can say is that I think you are doing what will give you GREATEST chance of success. I think its fantastic that you are doing the IVF PGD. I am doing my first IVF cycle in less than a month and wish we were also doing that but I am afraid to spend the $6,000 for it – even though I know it is worth every single penny. But it will give you such a great shot. It really will. It will help you eliminate them implanting any healthy looking embryos that actual are abnormal. This is great news. I hope you get your dream come true with your upcoming cycle. It’s so strange that I feel like your the first person I’ve related to on one of these blogs. So thanks for sharing. This morning I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Despite getting good news from my husband about something going on in his career – I couldn’t feel happy about it. I got caught up in my fears. I let them creep in. We spend a lot of time trying to be positive and feel the way “we are supposed to” in this process but it’s important to allow ourselves the bad days too. Hope you feel a little better later on in the day ❤

    Like

    1. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words. In the lonely world of infertility it is nice to know that there are other women out there who completely understand what I am going through. It had been hard, but I just know in my heart that it will make me appreciate every second that much more when it finally does happen. Hope your day turned around for the better as well. Today is a new day and i’m feeling hopeful and positive. XO

      Like

  2. It’s impossible for people to understand who haven’t been through it. And that sucks for us and creates just the loneliness you describe. I hurt for you. I hope that tomorrow is a brighter day and that this IVF round is the one that changes your life for the positive forever.

    Like

  3. I totally have felt what you have feel. I had a similar experience, but with a colleague. Many thoughts your way that this time will pass. It is such a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. If you do have another chat with your friend, I didn’t apologize, but basically told my coworker that there isn’t a manual for dealing with infertility and I was learning how to deal as I went along, just as she is learning how to deal as a friend/coworker. this seemed to shed light to her as to where I was at. Many thoughts are with you right now!

    Like

    1. I haven’t had a follow up conversation with my friend, just a quick text. At the moment I am happy that we don’t live near each other as I can just push it aside and not have to deal with it face on. There should be a manual to hand out to friends of what not to say and why it hurts. Thank for reading, it’s nice to know Im not alone in this. Xo

      Like

  4. The loneliness you describe is such a cruel reality of all of this. It sucks, because unless someone has been through some sort of infertility, they don’t seem to get it. And they don’t seem to understand comments like “just adopt” are insensitive and sometimes even mean (Heck, I’m in the adoption process and am now even more frustrated by this comment, but that’s another conversation). Sending you love and hoping you feel a bit better tomorrow.

    Like

  5. I’m sorry your friend doesn’t get it. I agree, it can be a very lonely place to be in. I know it’s not the same as a real, live friend, but you always have us ladies in blog land — so you are never truly alone. Sending hugs to you. 💛💙💜💚❤️

    Like

  6. I’m so sorry it was a down day for you. Does your friend read your blog? Would you want her to?
    I invited a couple of close friends to read my blog, I was nervous at first, but they all thanked me for helping them to understand. Now, to be honest even with one of my friends reading it she has made a few comments since which have been a little hurtful. So I think sometimes, people will just never get it.
    Hope today you feel a bit happier than yesterday and sunshine comes out for you 🙂

    Like

  7. I’m really sorry that you had to go through that. If there’s anything I’ve learned from this whole process, it’s to NOT offer advice when it hasn’t been asked for. All any of us ever want is an empathetic ear to listen to us. Saying that you can adopt, that you’re still young, to relax and it’ll happen etc… only minimizes our feelings and makes us feel like we are not being heard. I had a huge falling out with one of my closest friends during my struggles with infertility. We will never have the same lose relationship we once had because I feel like she betrayed me in her insensitive words and behavior. It sucks to not only lose out on a family that seems to come so easily to everyone else, but to also lose people you considered part of your core support system. I don’t think these people intend to hurt us, but they also don’t really try to imagine what it’s like to walk in our shoes. Biggest hugs to you. Xo

    Like

  8. I stumbled across your blog today. I think I’m having the kind of day you had a few days ago. Glad to hear you’re feeling better though ! I’m starting the stims for my 2nd IVF on Friday (Wasn’t able to do an immediate transfer after 1st one and doc wants to get more embryos before trying a transfer. As I like to say, right now, I have two little babies on ice). I’ve told a handful of people about this, wanting to only let those really close to me into this part of my life. Right now, I have my parents pushing adoption and natural family planning (due to our Catholic background). I understand the feeling of just wishing no one knew and at the same time feeling the need for support.

    Best of luck to you ! And, thank you again for sharing your story. Here’s to good days for all of us tomorrow !

    Like

    1. Thank you for reading!! I wish you the best of luck on your journey wherever that may lead you. I can’t imagine the extra stress that your family is causing you. Just know that in the end it is your decision and you have to be happy with whatever path you take.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s