The Creeping Sadness

Today I woke up positive. The sun was out and I felt like it was going to be an ok day. I had plans to meet up with a girlfriend for coffee and to chat about life. I was going to post a friday foody of something yummy I had made earlier this week. But, slowly that changed. Slowly the sadness and loneliness crept in…and I let it.

So,

I canceled coffee.

I lashed out at my hubby for always working and planning outings without me.

I decided to share my loneliness rather than my recipes.

And, I was satisfied that the sun was being engulfed by rain clouds…so I could take my sad self inside.

Lately, I have felt ok. I have been happy to be surrounded by friends, even if they don’t understand. I have been satisfied being alone, surrounded by my thoughts. I have found solace in silence.

But, not today.

Today I feel overwhelmed that this is my journey. I feel anxious about my upcoming IVF. I feel isolated from friends who try to understand, but can’t. I feel alone even when in a room full of people. Today also had me thinking about an encounter that I had with a life long girlfriend the other day. We don’t see much of each other anymore, as we live in different states; but whenever we do have the chance to catch up it is a joyous occasion. This past time it wasn’t as joyous.

My friend kept asking me questions about my infertility, IVF, and what my experience has meant for me. She knows that she is one of the few that knows my situation, but I haven’t divulged that much information to her in the past. I decided to share. She decided to share that she never knows what to say to me, because it’s such a delicate situation. I shared with her things can be interpreted as hurtful to the person going through infertility. For some reason, she decided to be confrontational and argue for the sake of arguing. I shared with her that comments such as why don’t you adopt or be happy you’re so young can be hurtful.

She couldn’t and she didn’t understand why.

She went on to say that people are just trying to be supportive. And, I know that…I know some people are at a loss of what to say or how to be supportive, but it is really that hard to be empathetic. Is it really that hard to see that those comments hurt.

Yes, I could eventually adopt if IVF doesn’t work. But, that’s not a simple solution. It’s not like going to the shelter and choosing who I would like to take home to be a part of my family. Adoptions can take years, they can cost more money than fertility treatments, and you have the added stresses of having to deal with a birth family. I applaud those who have the heart to adopt and who can go through the process, but I am not there yet. I am still being selfish and want a child that is mine. I want a child that has my husbands determination and my smile. Why can’t others understand that this comment can cut like a dagger? That this is not the answer for all women suffering from infertility.

Yes, I am lucky that I am only 30 years old and that I still have some good years left. However, I have already gone through two years of heartbreak with repeated pregnancy loss. Why would I want to go through more years of that? Don’t they realize that when they say this comment that they are referring to the fact that I should just suffer through more heartache, more loneliness, and more miscarriages. This is hurtful, because it doesn’t acknowledge the pain that I have been through.

I left our conversation feeling that I am just overly sensitive and that is not how I should feel. I know that I am not overly sensitive. I know that I have been strong throughout this entire process. A friend should not make me feel like this. I know that she didn’t mean to hurt me as she did, but why did she feel the need to be argumentative? This experience reminded me of why I don’t share my situation with everyone. Why I feel the need to walk around with secrets…suffering in silence. Some people will just never understand what it’s truly like to go through infertility or to have your best option be IVF.

I don’t keep my situation a secret because I am ashamed or embarrassed. I am not. I have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. I keep my situation close to my heart, because it is my journey and some people just won’t understand. I have friends who have friends that have  gone through IVF and they think they understand, but in the end they don’t. They don’t really understand the isolation, the frustration, the daily stress that goes into starting a family. They just see from a distance and they don’t see the daily tears.

This encounter has left a tiny whole in my heart. I know our friendship will go forward, but I will tread cautiously. I feel anxious that I have to rely so heavily on IVF. There are no guarantees with IVF and that fear can be overwhelming. I will mark today down as being dispirited by IVF. There is hope that tomorrow will be better.

XO