If you would have told me last week that things would work out I wouldn’t have believed you. The week after my retrieval was one of the longest and hardest weeks I have endured. At times I felt as if the world was crumbling around me and I tried hard to stay positive.
When I first found out that they had retrieved seven eggs I was devastated. Tears flowed and I couldn’t stop them. I was grateful that they retrieved some eggs, but I was so disappointed that there weren’t more. The week that followed the retrieval was full of tears and being on the edge of tears. That’s the thing about not getting a solid amount of eggs, you’re left clinging to hope that at a least a few fertilize and that they all develop properly. You’re left desperately waiting for the phone calls that tell you whether or not your efforts were worth it.
The Saturday before my transfer was the hardest day yet. The phone call letting me know that one embryo looked good enough at day 5 to be tested sent me into an emotional breakdown. I felt that nothing was going my way and that everything was crashing down around me. The fact that only one embryo was strong was devastating. And, to make it worse, my hubby was off working the entire day and I was left alone to wallow in my sadness.
I was sad because there was a large possibility that the one embryo would come back abnormal after the PGS testing and the transfer wouldn’t happen. I was sad because the other four embryos were growing at a slower pace and the embryologist didn’t feel optimistic. I felt sad because at times I have felt that there isn’t light at the end of my tunnel; and that I would never see the end of my infertility struggles.
But, then Sunday happened. Sunday changed my outlook and for once I felt that this may actually work.
I woke up the morning of the transfer super early and feeling a sense of calm. I didn’t feel stressed or anxious, but instead I felt at peace with whatever happened next. It was a complete change from how I felt Saturday. I finally realized that I have no control over what happens and all I could do is keep myself busy and keep my mind at ease. So, at 5 am I took my dogs for a long walk, I watered my garden, and I made myself a delicious breakfast. I then headed to my acupuncture clinic to do a session. (For the study my clinic doesn’t allow the acupuncturist to come to the clinic) From there my hubby drove me to the clinic where we waited..waited to find out if the transfer would happen or not. After waiting in the lobby for 15 minutes they led us back to the surgical area to wait some more from news from the embryologist. That wait was the worst. Then, we got the news we had prayed for..the transfer was a go and the embryo results came back normal.
I have never felt so relieved in my life. For once, things were going my way. For the past two years nothing has gone my way and for things to change for the better is the most amazing feeling. The feelings of doubt have left and I have made room for hope.
During the transfer we found out that only two of the other embryos were strong enough to be sent off to PGS testing. It wasn’t the number I was hoping for, but it will do. We have since learned that they both came back normal as well. So, all in all we have three healthy embryos.
After the transfer I went back for another acupuncture session and then headed home for two days of bed rest. I lounged and watched more TV in 48 hours than I have ever watched. At times I was restless, but I knew that it was all worth it.
Now it’s just back to the waiting game to see if this little embryo wants to stick around.
Thank you so much for all your prayers and kind words.