I thought that my two-week wait was over. I unwearyingly have already waited the dreaded amount of days to find out if my embryo transfer was successful or not. I waited until the morning of my first beta to take a home pregnancy test and I saw what I was waiting for, the BFP (big fat positive). Both of my betas came back great and the doctor scheduled me for my first ultrasound…..
IN TWO WEEKS.
Yet another two week wait.
I thought that I had already made it through my dreaded two week wait, but I was wrong. I now feel like I am in the slowest two-week wait of my life. Each day moves by at an awfully sluggish pace. Each day I have to force myself to stay off chat rooms about IVF issues, to not re-read the chapters in my pregnancy books about the early weeks of pregnancy, and to not plan ahead. The thing is, I have already read all these chapters in my books and I already know what early pregnancy symptoms feel like, because I have been here before.
I have been 5 weeks pregnant three times before (the 4th never made it that far). I know what the embryo looks like at this stage as I have downloaded the pregnancy app many times before. I know what it’s like to look at the pregnancy time line and plan ahead for the future. So many times in the past I have looked ahead and thought how cute my baby bump will look at my friend’s wedding or how I won’t be able to attend that annual trip to Mexico because I’ll be 7 months pregnant. Then, it ends abruptly. And as each event passes I am reminded of what I loss.
I have had countless ultrasounds that don’t go as planned. I have walked into each one with hope that this is it and I will finally hear that heartbeat. I have counted down the days for the first ultrasounds numerous times only to be shattered by what is seen on the screen. First it was an empty sac. Then it was no heartbeat. Once again, no heartbeat. Then, I didn’t even make it far enough for an initial ultrasound.
This time around I am trying to remain hopeful and optimistic. I am trying to only think positively or to not think about it at all. However, I would be lying if I didn’t share with you all my fears. My anger that I have been here before so many times and yet I still don’t have a baby. My fear that history will repeat itself. My anxiety of hearing no heartbeat and having the ultrasound tech give you the dreaded look. I want to be excited this time around and I want to plan ahead for the future of this baby.
My head keeps reminding me that I’ve been here before. I’ve been through this wait and that in the past it’s never ended well. I keep trying to hold onto faith and somedays I succeed, but others are just plain hard. I am ready for time to fast forward to my first ultra sound so I can know that I at least made it through the first large hurdle of pregnancy.