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I’ve Been Here Before

I thought that my two-week wait was over. I unwearyingly have already waited the dreaded amount of days to find out if my embryo transfer was successful or not. I waited until the morning of my first beta to take a home pregnancy test and I saw what I was waiting for, the BFP (big fat positive). Both of my betas came back great and the doctor scheduled me for my first ultrasound…..

IN TWO WEEKS.

 Yet another two week wait.

 I thought that I had already made it through my dreaded two week wait, but I was wrong. I now feel like I am in the slowest two-week wait of my life. Each day moves by at an awfully sluggish pace. Each day I have to force myself to stay off chat rooms about IVF issues, to not re-read the chapters in my pregnancy books about the early weeks of pregnancy, and to not plan ahead. The thing is, I have already read all these chapters in my books and I already know what early pregnancy symptoms feel like, because I have been here before.

I have been 5 weeks pregnant three times before (the 4th never made it that far). I know what the embryo looks like at this stage as I have downloaded the pregnancy app many times before. I know what it’s like to look at the pregnancy time line and plan ahead for the future. So many times in the past I have looked ahead and thought how cute my baby bump will look at my friend’s wedding or how I won’t be able to attend that annual trip to Mexico because I’ll be 7 months pregnant. Then, it ends abruptly. And as each event passes I am reminded of what I loss.

 I have had countless ultrasounds that don’t go as planned. I have walked into each one with hope that this is it and I will finally hear that heartbeat. I have counted down the days for the first ultrasounds numerous times only to be shattered by what is seen on the screen. First it was an empty sac. Then it was no heartbeat. Once again, no heartbeat. Then, I didn’t even make it far enough for an initial ultrasound.

 This time around I am trying to remain hopeful and optimistic. I am trying to only think positively or to not think about it at all. However, I would be lying if I didn’t share with you all my fears. My anger that I have been here before so many times and yet I still don’t have a baby. My fear that history will repeat itself. My anxiety of hearing no heartbeat and having the ultrasound tech give you the dreaded look. I want to be excited this time around and I want to plan ahead for the future of this baby.

My head keeps reminding me that I’ve been here before. I’ve been through this wait and that in the past it’s never ended well. I keep trying to hold onto faith and somedays I succeed, but others are just plain hard. I am ready for time to fast forward to my first ultra sound so I can know that I at least made it through the first large hurdle of pregnancy.

xo

26 thoughts on “I’ve Been Here Before

  1. I so know what you mean. Trust me, the 2ww never ends. In fact, it gets longer once you cross 12 weeks. Your next ultrasound would be straight at 20 weeks. Hang in there. Another mama wrote to me once and I found it very useful, so I am telling it to you. This is a nee pregnancy, this pregnancy has absolutely no memory of your previous losses. Remember that, new egg, new sperm, new baby. This is all that matters.

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  2. Oh, I’m so hopeful for you! I can’t imagine how devastating your losses have been, but I’m still excited for you. This TWW has to be torturous, so just hang in there! *hugs*

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  3. This 2WW is the worst in my opinion-between the beta & the first ultra. And then it seems like there is always another wait from there. Once we heard the heartbeat, then we waited for the 12 week mark. Im sure if we had made it to that, we would hve been waiting on yet the next milestone. IF sucks, always a wait. Im rooting for you 💜

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  4. Another two weeks? That is pure torture. I know exactly how you are feeling and it is unbelievably hard to wait. You want so badly for this pregnancy to be different than all the others but nothing has ever worked out before so it leaves you guarded. It’s not fair that infertility/recurrent loss has taken that carefree pregnancy joy from us. I will never be that same girl who went to my first pregnancy 8 week appointment without a single worry. I really pray that this pregnancy is the one and brings you a beautiful healthy baby. I’ll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and love your way!

    xoxo, Jackie IG:jackie.ttc_withhope

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  5. Waiting is the worst. Tww is a killer. Waiting for 5 weeks to pass sucks. Just wanted to say, I get it. I wish you the best and I hope this time, it’s different. That you get to count to week 40! FX

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  6. I know I will be the exact same way if I’m ever in your place again. I hope these 2 weeks go fairly quickly and you’re able to stay busy! Praying you get great results when you do finally go in!!!

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  7. I found you from a comment you made on libraryowl’s blog. I’m hoping the next two weeks for you go by as fast as they can. I know the waiting can be excruciating. It’s definitely a positive step that your betas looked great 🙂

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