Meeting My Embie

I finally had a successful ultrasound appointment. I never thought I would be able to say those words, but here they are. I am used to leaving these appointments heartbroken with mascara running down my face, but this time I was finally able to walk out happy.

We heard the heartbeat and it was beautiful and wonderful and every other descriptive happy word there is. I always dreamed of what it would feel like and how I would react the first time I heard a heartbeat. I imagined myself holding my hubbie’s hand with tears of joy falling down my face as we listened to the sounds of a strong heart growing inside me. I can tell you that it was nothing like the above. Even though I heard the heartbeat I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop for the doctor to say “there’s a heartbeat, but it’s low”. But he didn’t. It was strong. The whole thing happened so quickly. We just listened to it for a minute and then moved on. I wanted to cry tears of joy, but I couldn’t. I don’t think I have any more tears even if they are happy ones. I am so excited and so happy, but part of me feels were not in the clear yet.

I am celebrating the small victories and relishing in the moments as much as I can. Part of me still wants to guard my emotions while the other part just wants to celebrate and be excited. That’s the sucky thing about being pregnant after four miscarriages, it’s hard to be super excited when you know things could end so suddenly. I am trying hard to put the negativity out of my mind and just focus on the good. I actually have a baby growing inside me that has a strong heartbeat. I have never been able to say that before. I need to celebrate that victory.