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The Fifth loss

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This week was the end of my fifth pregnancy. I had to say goodbye to all of my hopes of having a successful pregnancy and I had to accept that it was over for me.

If you have ever been in my shoes and have so un-patiently waited for the follow up ultrasound from such a horrible and ugly ultrasound; then you would understand the slight bit of hope that creeps into your mind. There are moments when I think that the ultrasound machine could have been wrong and just didn’t see the heartbeat and couldn’t have fully registered the size of my baby. I go on countless blogs and read about missed diagnosed missed miscarriages. I read all of the stories about women who had early ultrasounds that gave them false information and they went on to have successful pregnancies. I give myself hope that I am one of those ladies and that I could have that miracle. But, in the end that is not me. It has never been me.

I had a follow up ultrasound this week just to confirm what we already knew, that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and stopped growing around two weeks ago. I always give myself false hope in those seconds between getting on the table and my doctor doing an ultrasound. Even when we ran the second ultrasound this week I thought for a second that I could be that miracle. And, then as I said before, I am always let down. With every follow up ultrasound comes such deep despair. A realization that I may never be that miracle.

My follow up ultrasound to confirm what I already knew.
My follow up ultrasound to confirm what I already knew.

Since my body wasn’t able to do what it was supposed to do in this situation I was registered to go to the hospital to help my body along. And, you know what my paperwork said when I signed in? It read missed abortion. Yep, that’s right..the word abortion. Like I was there of my own choosing to end this pregnancy. How hurtful are those words for someone who has no other option and who has been trying so hard to have a successful pregnancy. There was no mention that I had done IVF and how much this pregnancy was wanted. Just the ugly words….missed abortion. Each nurse I encountered asked me why I was there and all I could muster up was that I was pregnant, my body chose to stop being pregnant, and I needed help. Each time I held back the tears and told the nurse how offensive the words “missed abortion” were.

Now, I have no issue with women choosing their right as I believe it is up to each individual. However, I do have an issue with those words being printed across my paper work when I have no other option. I did not choose to be there. I paid thousands of dollars to not be there and to grow this baby, but god had other plans for me.

So, now I am back home trying to figure out how to move on with my life. How does one move on from five miscarriages? Do I give up and look into surrogacy or adoption? Or, do I keep fighting and get the answers I deserve?

XO

 

60 thoughts on “The Fifth loss

  1. Im so sorry for the loss of your much loved and wanted baby. Its an awful thing to go through, and Im sorry it couldn’t have been different.

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  2. I’m so sorry..I hated the words abortion printed in my paper work too.. I don’t know what you do now. I’m sorry you even have to think about that.

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  3. I’m so sorry to read this, I really am. I’ve just gone through my fifth miscarriage this month too, I know how dreadful this is. Forgive me if you’ve already looked into this, but a lot of your miscarriages have been similar to mine, and it may be worth looking into reproductive immunology. I haven’t had much luck with this myself, as I have been having treatment for this and sadly still miscarried, but I thought id share it in case it might help you out.

    My email is tryagainbloglady@hotmail.com if you’d like to drop me a line at all. I’m so sorry again xx

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  4. I HATE that you have had to experience those words. I felt the same way. They print on all my paperwork still to this day “habitual aborter” and the like. It infuriates me. Like u said, we paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for this wanted pregnancy that our bodies couldnt handle. Again, Im sorry for this. When it comes to moving forward, I think only u will know if you are done with treatment or not. I thought i was initially done, but i ended up going back and forth after i gave it 6 months or so following my d & c. Finally, we decided to give it another shot. As a recurrent miscarrier, I hated when people would say “give it time and you will know what to do” I would think “Time, what are u nuts?!? Ive been waiting forever as is!” But, I will say that time and prayer did eventually help me to see more clearly just how to proceed. Ill be thinking of u.

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  5. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this. I hate that you had to explain yourself to each nurse 😦 Your decision for what comes next for you must be so hard, I hope you find the strength and comfort in your friends and family around you that you deserve to help you towards your next steps x

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  6. I hate those words too. So insensitive, so inaccurate. I find a little comfort in knowing that the medical world knows what it means- that we are not choosing to be there. But that doesn’t take away the sting every time I’ve seen them in writing. I’m so sorry for your losses and am sending you lots of love and comfort!

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  7. I’m so very sorry that you’ve had to go through this. The decision you’re facing sounds unbearable. I’ll be sending lots of good thoughts your way as you heal and decide where to go from here. *hugs*

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  8. I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’ve had to go through this so many times before. Once is too many times, 5 times is unbearable, I’m sure! I would feel the same way about seeing those ugly words on my paperwork, just disgusting that they can’t be more sensitive. I’m saying a prayer for you and your husband, and for hope for a more promising future as you seek answers.

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  9. I wish lots of strength to you and acceptance. It’s such a difficult journey and I’m so sorry it didn’t end well. Xo

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  10. So sorry for all the pain you are enduring =( I can’t imagine the tough choices and times you are facing. It’s so unfair that you have to go through this.

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  11. I can imagine it’s so tough to go through as it is. The medical community needs to be much more sensitive about the words that they use. It’s so hard to believe they don’t see the disconnect there, and continue to use these terms that are completely offensive to patients like us. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I wish there was something I could do to help. Sending you big hugs.

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  12. I am so sorry. I think medical institutions need to invent some other language, and institute some more humane policy for miscarriages. When I came in to confirm that my 2nd miscarriage had passed all the tissue, they asked me whether I was pregnant. This was a cruel and unnecessary (they had my chart, for heaven’s sake) question, and all my self-control just left me then and there. Sending you hugs. This is so not fair.

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  13. I don’t know how to move on, if that is the right verb. I’m waiting around for my 4th miscarriage to complete itself. The only good news in this shit is we don’t have to decide what is next right now. For me at least, it’s too hard to see clearly the path towards healing when I’m in the trenches with grief.
    I’m really sorry for your losses.

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  14. I am so sorry. I can’t begin to imagine what the heartache must be like for you. Sending you big hugs and lots of love. I don’t know if you follow her yet or not, but I suggest following “My Perfect Breakdown” if you’re not. She, among many others, have very unfortunately, been exactly where you are.

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  15. Hugs Hon. I do not have any answers, and I often feel I am at the same crossroads too. It’s not a fun place to be. But in time you will find what is best for you and hubby, and the decision will come to you. Don’t rush it. Sending you a big hug.

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  16. So so so sorry 😦 Horrible feeling and your sweet little face in that ultrasound room. Absolutely heartbreaking.
    My two cents…don’t give up just yet. Maybe change clinics? Second opinion? Maybe traveling to another city or state to get better answers? Surrogacy isn’t a bad thing at all and worth considering. The end result is hopefully a baby and it would be YOUR baby.
    Thinking of you both xoxoxo

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