This week was the end of my fifth pregnancy. I had to say goodbye to all of my hopes of having a successful pregnancy and I had to accept that it was over for me.
If you have ever been in my shoes and have so un-patiently waited for the follow up ultrasound from such a horrible and ugly ultrasound; then you would understand the slight bit of hope that creeps into your mind. There are moments when I think that the ultrasound machine could have been wrong and just didn’t see the heartbeat and couldn’t have fully registered the size of my baby. I go on countless blogs and read about missed diagnosed missed miscarriages. I read all of the stories about women who had early ultrasounds that gave them false information and they went on to have successful pregnancies. I give myself hope that I am one of those ladies and that I could have that miracle. But, in the end that is not me. It has never been me.
I had a follow up ultrasound this week just to confirm what we already knew, that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and stopped growing around two weeks ago. I always give myself false hope in those seconds between getting on the table and my doctor doing an ultrasound. Even when we ran the second ultrasound this week I thought for a second that I could be that miracle. And, then as I said before, I am always let down. With every follow up ultrasound comes such deep despair. A realization that I may never be that miracle.
Since my body wasn’t able to do what it was supposed to do in this situation I was registered to go to the hospital to help my body along. And, you know what my paperwork said when I signed in? It read missed abortion. Yep, that’s right..the word abortion. Like I was there of my own choosing to end this pregnancy. How hurtful are those words for someone who has no other option and who has been trying so hard to have a successful pregnancy. There was no mention that I had done IVF and how much this pregnancy was wanted. Just the ugly words….missed abortion. Each nurse I encountered asked me why I was there and all I could muster up was that I was pregnant, my body chose to stop being pregnant, and I needed help. Each time I held back the tears and told the nurse how offensive the words “missed abortion” were.
Now, I have no issue with women choosing their right as I believe it is up to each individual. However, I do have an issue with those words being printed across my paper work when I have no other option. I did not choose to be there. I paid thousands of dollars to not be there and to grow this baby, but god had other plans for me.
So, now I am back home trying to figure out how to move on with my life. How does one move on from five miscarriages? Do I give up and look into surrogacy or adoption? Or, do I keep fighting and get the answers I deserve?
XO
Oh no! That sounds so difficult. I’m really sorry you had to go through that. You poor thing.
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Thank You. xo
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Im so sorry for the loss of your much loved and wanted baby. Its an awful thing to go through, and Im sorry it couldn’t have been different.
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Thank you. xo
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I’m so sorry..I hated the words abortion printed in my paper work too.. I don’t know what you do now. I’m sorry you even have to think about that.
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Thanks!! So ridiculous that they don’t have different terminology. Luckily everyone around me knew that this wasn’t my choice and they were all very sensitive and kind. xo
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I am so sorry and agree those words are painful given your situation.
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Thank You. xo
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I’m so sorry to read this, I really am. I’ve just gone through my fifth miscarriage this month too, I know how dreadful this is. Forgive me if you’ve already looked into this, but a lot of your miscarriages have been similar to mine, and it may be worth looking into reproductive immunology. I haven’t had much luck with this myself, as I have been having treatment for this and sadly still miscarried, but I thought id share it in case it might help you out.
My email is tryagainbloglady@hotmail.com if you’d like to drop me a line at all. I’m so sorry again xx
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Thanks, I just started looking into that and have written out questions regarding RI for my doctor. I will send you an email later today to see what tests you took and to learn more about it. Thank You!!
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You’re welcome! Did you get the email I sent you? Just checking that it got to you ok xx
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I received it, Thank You! Finally just responded. I took a few days off from looking at emails and blogs. 🙂
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Ugh I’m sorry sweetie, this is an awful thing to go through.
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Thank you. xo
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I HATE that you have had to experience those words. I felt the same way. They print on all my paperwork still to this day “habitual aborter” and the like. It infuriates me. Like u said, we paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for this wanted pregnancy that our bodies couldnt handle. Again, Im sorry for this. When it comes to moving forward, I think only u will know if you are done with treatment or not. I thought i was initially done, but i ended up going back and forth after i gave it 6 months or so following my d & c. Finally, we decided to give it another shot. As a recurrent miscarrier, I hated when people would say “give it time and you will know what to do” I would think “Time, what are u nuts?!? Ive been waiting forever as is!” But, I will say that time and prayer did eventually help me to see more clearly just how to proceed. Ill be thinking of u.
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Thank you for your kind words. I already feel a little better and it’s already been a week, but I know that I am not ready to give up yet. It’s just hard trying to figure out the next steps. xo
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I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this. I hate that you had to explain yourself to each nurse 😦 Your decision for what comes next for you must be so hard, I hope you find the strength and comfort in your friends and family around you that you deserve to help you towards your next steps x
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Thank you!! xo
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I am so sorry. Praying.
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Thank you. All prayers are appreciated. xo
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Hun I am so sorry. I can’t imagine 5 losses. Praying for you.
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Thank You. I still cant comprehend that it has been 5, it just seems like a bad dream that I can’t wake up from. xo
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I hate those words too. So insensitive, so inaccurate. I find a little comfort in knowing that the medical world knows what it means- that we are not choosing to be there. But that doesn’t take away the sting every time I’ve seen them in writing. I’m so sorry for your losses and am sending you lots of love and comfort!
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Thank You. I was fortunate to have a really amazing doctor and everyone else around me was very supportive and sensitive. xo
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I am so sad for you and just prayed for you. *hugs*
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Thank You, prayers are greatly appreciated. xo
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I’m so very sorry that you’ve had to go through this. The decision you’re facing sounds unbearable. I’ll be sending lots of good thoughts your way as you heal and decide where to go from here. *hugs*
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Thank You. xo
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I am so sorry. Hugs to you
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Thank You. xo
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I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’ve had to go through this so many times before. Once is too many times, 5 times is unbearable, I’m sure! I would feel the same way about seeing those ugly words on my paperwork, just disgusting that they can’t be more sensitive. I’m saying a prayer for you and your husband, and for hope for a more promising future as you seek answers.
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Thank you for your kind and supportive words. xo
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I’m so sorry to hear this. I completely agree with hating that term. I wish there was more room in the health care system for emotions and sensitivity.
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Thank You. xo
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I am soo sorry. All I can say is before you make any decision, take some time to heal. 5 m/c’s is a lot on the body and worse on the mind. Hugs hon.
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Thank you. I am giving myself a few weeks to relax before I move onto the next steps and decide where to go from here. xo
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I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I’m so very sorry. Sending you lots of love.
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Thank You. xo
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So so so sorry 😥
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Thanks. xo
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Sending so much love to you. ❤
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Thank You. xo
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I wish lots of strength to you and acceptance. It’s such a difficult journey and I’m so sorry it didn’t end well. Xo
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Thank You. xo
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So sorry for all the pain you are enduring =( I can’t imagine the tough choices and times you are facing. It’s so unfair that you have to go through this.
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Thank you for your kind words and support. xo
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I’m so sorry you’re experiencing so much pain. It’s simply not fair. I hope that you are able to find answers and that you don’t let go of your dream. I’ll be rooting for you.
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Thank you. I’m not giving up just yet, but just feeling very overwhelmed trying to figure out the next step. xo
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I can imagine it’s so tough to go through as it is. The medical community needs to be much more sensitive about the words that they use. It’s so hard to believe they don’t see the disconnect there, and continue to use these terms that are completely offensive to patients like us. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I wish there was something I could do to help. Sending you big hugs.
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Thank you for the support. The terminology is very hurtful and someday hopefully they change it. xo
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I am so sorry. I think medical institutions need to invent some other language, and institute some more humane policy for miscarriages. When I came in to confirm that my 2nd miscarriage had passed all the tissue, they asked me whether I was pregnant. This was a cruel and unnecessary (they had my chart, for heaven’s sake) question, and all my self-control just left me then and there. Sending you hugs. This is so not fair.
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Thank You. I still don’t understand why they just can’t change the lingo, it’s so unfair and insensitive. xo
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I don’t know how to move on, if that is the right verb. I’m waiting around for my 4th miscarriage to complete itself. The only good news in this shit is we don’t have to decide what is next right now. For me at least, it’s too hard to see clearly the path towards healing when I’m in the trenches with grief.
I’m really sorry for your losses.
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I am so sorry that you are in the same situation. It’s horrible and it’s not fair. Sending you lots of love. xo
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I am so sorry. I can’t begin to imagine what the heartache must be like for you. Sending you big hugs and lots of love. I don’t know if you follow her yet or not, but I suggest following “My Perfect Breakdown” if you’re not. She, among many others, have very unfortunately, been exactly where you are.
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Thank you. Yes, I do follow her and love reading all of her updates. xo
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Hugs Hon. I do not have any answers, and I often feel I am at the same crossroads too. It’s not a fun place to be. But in time you will find what is best for you and hubby, and the decision will come to you. Don’t rush it. Sending you a big hug.
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Thank you for your kind words and support. xo
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So so so sorry 😦 Horrible feeling and your sweet little face in that ultrasound room. Absolutely heartbreaking.
My two cents…don’t give up just yet. Maybe change clinics? Second opinion? Maybe traveling to another city or state to get better answers? Surrogacy isn’t a bad thing at all and worth considering. The end result is hopefully a baby and it would be YOUR baby.
Thinking of you both xoxoxo
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Thank You. At times I feel like giving up, but I won’t. I am trying to still figure out my next step and it will definitely involve a second opinion. xo
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