There is always something to knock us down just when we think we are feeling fine. It’s like we get sucker punched in the stomach when we weren’t looking.
That happened to me last week, twice. It was without warning and it was painful.
I felt fine. I felt happy. I felt that I was ready to move on. Then I opened my day planner and I saw what was scheduled for me last Thursday, my 9 week ultrasound. But, I never made it that far. Then those negative thoughts overcame me…..will I ever make it that far? Was IVF a waste of money and time? Do I need to explore other options? All day I kept thinking about how different this day could have been. It should have been a joyous day, but it wasn’t.
Then on Saturday I attended a first birthday party for my friend’s son. It brought up thoughts that I have always tried to ignore….that if my first pregnancy was a success then I too would have a one year old. I would be throwing a party for my happy child. How different my life would be. I would be like her and I wouldn’t know this deep heartache or this loneliness. If things worked out I would just be a normal mom to a one year old. On the way to the party I could feel the tears welling up inside of me, but I forced them back deep down. I tried to explain to my hubby how I was feeling and he just nodded as if he understood. But, I know he didn’t.
I have never been one to focus on the dates of what could have been. I have felt proud of myself that I don’t dwell on what didn’t happen and that I have been able to move my focus forward. But these dates crept up on me and they hurt worse than I could have imagined. It was like the wind was knocked out of me and I couldn’t remember how to breathe.
That’s the thing about infertility. We go about our days thinking that we are fine and that we can move on and then something sucker punches us and that brings us back to that lonely sad place of infertility. Sometimes it’s a reminder of what should be taking place, some days it a birthday party, or other times it’s just sitting alone at Starbucks while a group of moms walk in with babies in tow. With each event feelings of anger, sadness, and loneliness can overtake you.
I plan on this week being better and taking more steps forward. On a good note, I was able to get my doctors appointment moved up to Thursday. I look forward to hearing what he has to say about what happened and where we can go from here. And, if I don’t like what he says then I can move onto my step!