Today I am skipping out on a baby shower.
It’s the first baby shower that I am intentionally skipping since struggling with infertility. Normally I don’t mind attending a baby shower as there is all you can drink wine and I will go to any party that serves wine……because, hey, at least I can drink wine and the mom to be can’t… So there.
But, I am reaching that point where even the wine can’t get me through these gatherings. They are becoming pure torture.
The small talk and endless questions about my life are becoming excruciating. So when are you going to finally have a baby? Why aren’t you working? What do you do with all that spare time? You aren’t getting any younger, it’s time to start having kids. Do you not want kids? The list of questions that I get bombarded with goes on and on. And, I just can’t deal anymore. It’s not that I take offense to these questions as I know people mean well, but I no longer consider myself emotionally stable enough to get through them. Lately I feel one sad commercial away from an emotional breakdown and I can’t control when and where it will be.
I don’t think I KNOW I can’t hide the look of heartbreak any longer when someone asks me about fertility. I can no longer fake that I’m ok with the long journey that I’ve been pulled through. In the beginning I didn’t really worry about it because I knew miscarriages were common and I still believed that I would go on to have a healthy pregnancy. But, that was two years ago and I am starting to doubt that. After 5 miscarriages you really become a skeptic that your happily ever after will exist. And, as I come close to my FET with my two last embryos I am realizing that the end of fertility treatments is closing in on me. Because, if this transfer doesn’t work I am not sure I am ready for another round of IVF.
Some Past Baby Shower Moments
But now…..baby showers just plain suck for me, because people come up and ask you why you don’t have kids yet, but in reality they don’t want to know my answer. Can you imagine if I started telling them my story. I would look like some sort of jealous alien that is demanding attention at someone else’s party. People ask the questions but I’m pretty sure they don’t want to know the true answer. That’s why it’s called small talk and not let’s get into a real in-depth dialogue about how my body keeps failing me and infertility just plain sucks.
Over the past 2.5 years I have attended baby showers and enjoyed them. I really do enjoy celebrating my friends when they are fortunate enough to get pregnant and I really do enjoy drinking all of their wine to suppress my emotions…..Not healthy, I know, but it’s how I cope. For now I just can’t deal and will just have to mark the will not make it box on the invite.
On The Fertility Front
Last night I started my Delestrogen injections for my upcoming FET. The anticipation of these freaking injections is always so much worse than the actual injection. Thank God these injections are only on Mondays and Fridays for now….I am dreading the PIO shot that will happen daily at the end of the month, but I am putting that far out of my mind.