I’ve been staring at my computer screen for the past hour trying to figure out how to put into words what I am feeling about my upcoming FET, but I can’t. It seems fitting that the screen has been blank, because that is exactly how I feel about my upcoming transfer…..I don’t really feel anything.
I don’t feel overly excited and I don’t feel overly sad. I feel like the blank white screen staring back at me. I am waiting for the words to appear.
I remember with my last transfer that I felt so excited and hopeful. On the morning of my transfer I woke up at 6am and took my pup for a long walk to the park and I had this overwhelming sense that things were finally going to work out for me. I recall feeling overcome with happiness and hope. I mean, my transfer was scheduled for mothers day…I thought that was a sign that things were changing for me. That no more rain clouds would loom ahead, but I was wrong.
It was my fifth loss.
This time I really don’t know how or what to feel. My hubby and I are just going through the motions. Our injection nights are no longer this carefully planned out hour where I light candles, lay out everything, and think happy thoughts about the future. Instead my hubby just plops the needle in my lower back and we continue on with our night like nothing happened. There aren’t lofty conversations about how this could be it. That our quiet nights at home could be coming to an end, this injection could be what gets us our baby. Instead there is just silence. We are both guarded at the moment and it’s not a pleasant feeling. We are both getting so tired of this roller coaster ride that’s called infertility.
One of the worst things about infertility is the overwhelming sense of being alone. I know that there are so many other women who go through exactly what I am going through, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that. I do have a couple of wonderful friends that I can talk to, but I always try to keep my attitude positive and up lifting. I don’t to really tell them the sadness that surrounds me when I am not plastering on a fake smile around them. It’s not that I’m being fake, but it’s just so hard to really let them see the sadness that comes with infertility.
I keep fighting myself on how I want to feel versus how I really feel each day. I want to be the person who is able to take advantage of the days that are given to me, but sometimes I find that so hard to do. I posted a quote on my Instagram the other day that sums up how I want to feel and how I want my days to be:
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” -Vivian Green
There are days where I am able to focus on the journey that infertility has brought me, but then there are days where I just want to sleep and wake up pregnant. To wake up without these feeling of being so lost and alone.