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Finding My Emotions

wallpaper-drops-of-rain-from-sky-weather

I’ve been staring at my computer screen for the past hour trying to figure out how to put into words what I am feeling about my upcoming FET, but I can’t. It seems fitting that the screen has been blank, because that is exactly how I feel about my upcoming transfer…..I don’t really feel anything.

I don’t feel overly excited and I don’t feel overly sad. I feel like the blank white screen staring back at me. I am waiting for the words to appear.

I remember with my last transfer that I felt so excited and hopeful. On the morning of my transfer I woke up at 6am and took my pup for a long walk to the park and I had this overwhelming sense that things were finally going to work out for me. I recall feeling overcome with happiness and hope. I mean, my transfer was scheduled for mothers day…I thought that was a sign that things were changing for me. That no more rain clouds would loom ahead, but I was wrong.

It was my fifth loss.

This time I really don’t know how or what to feel. My hubby and I are just going through the motions. Our injection nights are no longer this carefully planned out hour where I light candles, lay out everything, and think happy thoughts about the future. Instead my hubby just plops the needle in my lower back and we continue on with our night like nothing happened. There aren’t lofty conversations about how this could be it. That our quiet nights at home could be coming to an end, this injection could be what gets us our baby. Instead there is just silence. We are both guarded at the moment and it’s not a pleasant feeling. We are both getting so tired of this roller coaster ride that’s called infertility.

Going through the motions with an unorganized counter for prepping the injection...it used to be surrounded by candles and uplifting quotes.
Going through the motions with an unorganized counter for prepping the injection…it used to be surrounded by candles and uplifting quotes.
Delestrogen injection sans emotion.
Delestrogen injection sans emotion.

One of the worst things about infertility is the overwhelming sense of being alone. I know that there are so many other women who go through exactly what I am going through, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that. I do have a couple of wonderful friends that I can talk to, but I always try to keep my attitude positive and up lifting. I don’t to really tell them the sadness that surrounds me when I am not plastering on a fake smile around them. It’s not that I’m being fake, but it’s just so hard to really let them see the sadness that comes with infertility.

I keep fighting myself on how I want to feel versus how I really feel each day. I want to be the person who is able to take advantage of the days that are given to me, but sometimes I find that so hard to do. I posted a quote on my Instagram the other day that sums up how I want to feel and how I want my days to be:

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”  -Vivian Green

There are days where I am able to focus on the journey that infertility has brought me, but then there are days where I just want to sleep and wake up pregnant. To wake up without these feeling of being so lost and alone.

XO

21 thoughts on “Finding My Emotions

  1. All I can say to this is…. I feel ya. 100% The motions, figuring out how to feel, feeling alone, all of it. All I can say is “you got this!” and I truly hope and pray that this is your time!

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  2. Although I have not suffered a loss, I can relate to a lot of the “loneliness” and just going through the motions. It’s such a weird, isolating process and sometimes it is super hard to put into words how you feel. 😦 at the end of the day, we say we are going to be positive, etc… but this is just a never ending cycle of crappiness that never seems to fade.

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  3. Perhaps this lack of emotion is a good thing. I tend to always protect myself by not allowing myself to get too excited about things I fear will go wrong and is has been a good coping mechanism for me. Perhaps your numbness will allow your body to remain relaxed and prepare as best it can for what’s ahead – hopefully a happy pregnancy. Im hoping so hard that this is finally your time. xx

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    1. It is such a battle to try to get excited for these times in infertility, but with my track record it’s so hard to stay optimistic. I also think it comes from me being a scorpio..I’ve always been a little lackluster when it comes to getting really excited about things and now infertility has made it that much worse. Thanks for your sweet words. xo

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  4. I get it! I have gone through the motions too. And I have felt that loneliness and plastered on many fake smiles. I hope this is your time and you wake up pregnant… Sending you sticky vibes!!! Hugs!

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  5. Its hard to keep that positive attitude that we had back in the beginning, before all our losses. I get it. The innocence and peace has been stolen, and its almost like a defense mechanism to not get excited again. I will continue to pray for you, bc I know thats all we can do! 💗

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  6. I send that thought, that the lack of emotion is maybe a good thing. I recall a certain calm in my final ivf cycle, where I felt I could trust my new clinic to do their jobs correctly and I just surrendered. I also moved on with my life, applied for a good job opportunity, interviewed for it, didn’t do bed rest after transfer, just lived, and for the first time in two years actually felt like life wasn’t revolving around ttc. I can understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling, you have every right. I’m sending you nothing but warm thoughts. Xx

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  7. What she said. (All of the shes!)
    We feel ya. We get it. And though it can feel like you’re alone, you’re not. We are with you and we are rooting for you. May you get your waking up pregnant dream. X

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  8. I’m totally with you on this – picking yourself up and trying to find hope again after so many losses is damn near impossible. Everyone tells you to be positive, but it’s so hard when all you’ve experienced is loss.

    I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all to be just going through the motions – you’re doing what needs to be done and taking the pressure off yourselves. I’m so, so hoping that this one works for you, I really am xx

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