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Thinking Back

This time of year is bittersweet. It is my favorite time of year, but it is also a reminder of what I have been through. It was this week, back in 2013, when I found out that my first pregnancy really wasn’t a pregnancy, I had a blighted ovum. For those of you that don’t know what a blighted ovum is, it is when a fertilized eggs implants in the uterus, but fails to develop into an embryo. You feel like you’re pregnant, you celebrate that after six months of trying you are finally pregnant, but in fact you aren’t. Your body has tricked you.

I remember it like it was yesterday, but yet it seems like a lifetime ago.

It seems like it happened to someone else and I just have the memories floating around in my head. It was during the first ultrasound at 8 weeks that the tech thought something was wrong. She could only find an empty sac and optimistically just thought that I was wrong with my dates. Maybe I was just to early. We waited a week and came back to the same image on the screen, nothing. I remember not being worried during that wait as maybe I had been off on my dates, I wasn’t really tracking anything, I was just going off on what I thought was my last period. Maybe I really was wrong, but in the end, I wasn’t.  

After watching the HCG drop down drastically my doctor confirmed that this pregnancy wasn’t viable. I remember being devastated and sad that this was happening to me, but I also felt confident that I wouldn’t have any issues going forward. My doctor reassured me that a  blighted ovum is very common; it is the leading cause of early miscarriage and I shouldn’t have any issues going forward.

How wrong she was.

Fast forward to 2015 and I am in the same situation I was back then, only worse. I have since suffered from 5 miscarriages, most occurring between 6 – 7 weeks. The part that is so frustrating is that there isn’t an answer as to why this is happening. That is why it’s so hard….it’s the worst part. I have read that after 5 miscarriages many women go on to have a healthy pregnancy. But, I have also read that there are women who go on to have #6, 7, and 8.

Which category am I?

As I wait to find out if my FET worked or not I am starting to worry what category I will fall into. Will I finally be lucky enough to overcome the losses and go on to have a successful pregnancy or will I fall back into the category of repeated pregnancy loss?

I am frustrated that if this Beta does come back positive I still can’t celebrate. I have celebrated 5 positive pregnancy tests in the pasts and they all ended. I want to celebrate the small milestones in my journey, but it is really hard as I am scared of living through it all again.

xo

21 thoughts on “Thinking Back

  1. I hope this one is it for you!! Hoping you get positive news today and the little blast keeps growing into a healthy baby!!

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  2. I hate this for you, that you have to be scared of being pregnant and can’t dare to celebrate any milestones or BFPs because of the chance and experience of disappointment. Miscarriage is such a cruel thing. I often think it’d be better to have a failed cycle than to *think* a cycle was successful, only to have it taken away a few short weeks later. Anniversary’s are especially painful reminders of this. I’m holding out hope for your beta and the 13 weeks that follow 🙂

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  3. I didn’t experience loss to the same extent as you have, but I had many many clinical BFN cycles and I recall myself googling and wondering similar things – *when* will is be my time OR *will* there be a “my time”? The only thing that kept me going was believing that it would, no matter how knocked down I felt, and how many negative opinions I heard. I have no clue what made the difference for me this last time, but I was consciously making an effort to reduce my stress (hypnotherapy, avoiding toxic people in my life, focusing on me, acupuncture, eating healthy without giving up the foods that brought me comfort…) and to just let go of it all. I wish for you that “your time” is here. Sending you positivity & strength. Xx

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  4. Hi, I know what that feels like. I so needed my embryo transfer to work! But life screws us all. Still I found a book – it all starts with the egg – and it has some practical advise and suggestions on nutrients etc. That can help prevent frequent miscarriage. In case you haven’t read it already, do go through it. It might help!

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