Home · infertility · IVF · miscarriage

How Do I feel?

Honestly…..I don’t know.

I’ve been trying to find the words to explain what I have been feeling these past few weeks and I can’t find the right word to describe what is going on inside my mind.

The only word that comes to mind is BLANK.

I feel blank.

I know blank isn’t an adjective and it can’t really sum up my emotional state. But, I have run out of adjectives to describe how I feel. There honestly aren’t any words to use that I haven’t used before.

At the moment I don’t have the energy to feel angry or sad. I can’t feel angry because I don’t have anyone to be angry at, but myself. It is my body who repeatedly lets me down. I don’t really feel sad anymore as that takes to much energy to always be sad. I really think I have used up all my tears for 2015…they have run dry.

 I felt things the day of my ultrasound….I felt broken and sad. I couldn’t believe it was happening to me again. It honestly felt like I was living in someone else’s nightmare that wouldn’t end and I couldn’t find my way out. I tried to pinch myself awake, but couldn’t. I still feel as if I am living someone else’s life as this can’t possibly be my reality….it’s like there is a fog that surrounds me.

And, you know what’s funny…..

The morning of the ultrasound I felt a sense of calm that this time was going to work out for me.

I’d been feeling minor symptoms for the few weeks leading up to my ultrasound….I felt pregnant. The week before my ultrasound I was lucky enough to escape to Mexico on a family vacation and I felt every symptom while there. I was extremely tired…the smells drove my crazy, more than normal…and, the thought of alcohol made me sick. Yup..had to be pregnant for real.

The morning of the ultrasound I even texted my hubby that this time was going to work for us. That we had struggled and suffered enough heartache and this was really it. We were going to see a healthy baby on that screen.

But, it didn’t work out.

Once again I found myself in the ultrasound room with my doctor trying to comfort me and speaking about our next steps. But, they weren’t comforting and at that moment I didn’t want to think about whats next. Hello…remember, I’ve been through this five times before. I know what’s next. All I wanted was for him to leave the room so I could fall apart. I had to fight back the tears and stare at the floor for what felt like eternity. As soon as he closed the door I felt my body and heart break. Luckily my hubby was there to catch me. (Note to anyone who is a doctor…please leave the room immediately..I don’t want to talk it out with you).

So here I am, back at square one.

I have no idea where to go from here. Are my eggs bad? Would donor eggs help? It is my body? Do I need a surrogate? Can I even afford the cost of a surrogate? Should I start looking into adoption? There are so many questions that I need to get figured out.

But, not today.

As for right now, I am just been taking it one day at a time and enjoying being home for the holidays.

Luckily….

There have been some good days mixed in with the bad ones this past month.

xo

Photos of The Good Days
Spending Christmas with family and friends. The good thing about being through this five times before is that I've mastered the art of faking happiness. xo
Spending Christmas with family and friends. The good thing about being through this five times before is that I’ve mastered the art of faking happiness. xo
Mexico with the family. I was lucky enough to escape for the week before my ultrasound. I am grateful that I was able to spend the days leading up to it surrounded by family. xo
Mexico with the family. I was lucky enough to escape for the week before my ultrasound. I am grateful that I was able to spend the days leading up to it surrounded by family. xo

 

29 thoughts on “How Do I feel?

  1. First – great photo montage! We went to Paris after our first failed IVF and it helped to escape life for a bit. Second – going through IVF myself using donor eggs, I noticed you mentioned wondering if your eggs were bad, but also saw that you were diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”, so I’m curious what your AMH and FSH tested at, as those are the two biggest indicators of egg quantity and egg health. Mine was tested early on which had me at .01 (worst imaginable for quantity) and .18 (way off the charts for quality), which meant we only tried the non-donor treatments for 8 months before going the donor egg route. (Just curious, not making any recommendations since I don’t know your details, I just know from hindsight that I’m really glad I knew my AMH was so sucky before I put too much faith in my own ovaries which seem to have given me the finger.). Sending strength your way!

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    1. Thank you! I don’t know what my AMH is off the top of my head. After my last miscarriage my doctor had mentioned that my AMH had dropped some and threw out the idea of donor eggs, but when I went to CCRM in August Dr. K said that she didn’t think I would need donor eggs….so it’s been confusing to figure out next steps. Unexplained is so frustrating because I really don’t know what would be best. xo

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      1. Yeah that doesn’t make sense at all – if your AMH is terrible that means you don’t have many eggs left and that donor eggs are usually the only option left. Wouldn’t hurt to get a second opinion – RE’s are in the business to make a whole lot of money, and I remember getting a copy of my file from my first RE’s office that stated I had a 1% chance of getting pregnant with my own eggs – something she hadn’t told me while pushing 4 rounds of Femara/Clomid.

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  2. Ugh, I so feel for you and have tears in my eyes at your questions. I still don’t know, ultimately, what our problem is/was. We walked in the door 4 years ago with low sperm count! Four years later, I stayed pregnant via embryo donation. It makes me think that there’s so much we don’t know, too much we don’t know. And people like you and me, our fate is much too determined by guesswork and best intentions.

    I just wanted to acknowledge that with you, because I’m frustrated on your behalf.

    I’m glad though you got time in Mexico with family and that you’re taking it one day at a time. You’re so strong and you’ve got all us gals behind you in 2016, too. Hugs.

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  3. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Just once was heartbreaking enough for me. I hope the holiday went some way to lightening your feelings a bit… I know that the grief is always there. X

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