Home · infertility · IVF · miscarriage

shedding a tear for a moment

This morning I found myself having a moment.

A sit in my car, feel sorry for myself, and cry alone moment.

As I sat in my car in my RE’s parking lot I couldn’t help but think…… you have to be kidding me. Am I really in this same position again? It’s a new FREAKING year, but here I am in the same position I have been for the third time.

I found myself at my RE’s office because, blood work had to be done to make sure that my HCG levels were dropping accordingly. Fingers crossed they are….this lady doesn’t need a drawn out loss. It happened naturally over the holidays and I would like to leave that in 2015. Not let it cross over in 2016 and the hope I have for this year.

Just so you know, I didn’t wake up feeling sorry for myself.

When I awoke this morning I felt fine…felt ready for another day. The pity party came after my blood draw lady, professionally known as a phlebotomist, screwed up the easy one vial blood draw. It took her two tries to get it right and they were painful attempts where she wiggled around the needle in my vein. OUCH, not pleasant. The other lady at my clinic is amazing and I have never had any issues with her, but this one gal has done this before….twice. I’m starting to think I should request my favorite blood draw gal from now on. You know you are knee deep in the crap of infertility when you have a favorite blood drawing lady. That is not something most people even think about.

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So, that started the flow of tears and the pity party. The realization that I have many more blood draws to come. It’s just begun. Then came the thoughts of WTF…why me? Why am I being tested, again? Why weren’t the past 3 years and five losses my test? Why did we have to throw in another loss to test my strength, my love for jesus, and my marriage?

It’s crazy where your mind can go while sitting in your freezing car in the RE’s parking lot.

Well, I had my moment and now I am ready to move forward….

and today,

my forward motion will lead me to Nordstroms to do a little retail therapy.

A strong person is not the one who doesn’t cry. A strong person is the one who cries & sheds tears for a moment, then gets up and fights again.

xo

15 thoughts on “shedding a tear for a moment

  1. I’m sorry you are feeling like this. I think you are bound to… This whole process feels so unfair and painful! It really makes me mad sometimes what we go through to try and have a baby when others do it so easily. I hope that it’s all onwards and upwards from here, and that 2016 is your year!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry you had a crappy phlebotomist 😦 I had a real crappy one once, and immediately following I had my ultrasound looking for ectopic and the doctor told me we should consider taking the methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy and would need more blood tests done, my hubby said to the doctor ‘please, only if we can have a different nurse as the one from earlier was incapable’ And so they did, a different nurse took my blood. I felt bad initially , but Chris spoke up because, after all, that is their job. Fortunately I have yet to see that crappy nurse again :-s
    I do love this post though because you are strong and amazingly inspirational for sharing your story , thank you x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Big hugs. Those are such emotional moments and the struggle is unfair. I really hope your luck takes a turn this year and you get your take home baby.
    I don’t recall if you’ve made a mention but, do you know why you have MC?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I completely understand. A bad blood draw in the mist of a loss/infertility has pushed me over the edge more than once. At least at my clinic they are usually pretty understanding if I tear up during a draw but its worse when I’m at Quest and they have no idea why I am bursting into tears from having blood drawn : ( Praying that 2016 brings blood draws for happier reasons!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am so sorry to hear of the painful journey you have and are going through. I know you will need some time to heal as think through your options but has anyone mentioned immunology testing to you? Dr Beer’s book? I hadn’t heard of any of this prior to my 3rd miscarriage and then everything fell into place. Could be worth an explore.

    Sending you hugs xxxx

    Like

    1. Thank you for the virtual hugs… I am now finally going to get in contact with a RE that deals with auto-immune issues. I have brought it up to my doctor and another doctor at my clinic many times, but they always shared that they didn’t believe in that and I foolishly listened. I’m just now learning that my IVF doctor is there to help me get as many embryos as we can, but I need another doctor to help me stay pregnant. xo

      Like

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