Home · infertility · IVF · miscarriage

Death by Decisions

IMG_0362

This decision-making stuff is hard.

It’s times like these that I realize I really am an adult and I can’t run and hide from my problems. I have to face them head on, even if I don’t want to.

Especially when the problem is as big and scary as infertility and repeated pregnancy loss.

Especially when each decision is more expensive than you ever realized.

Decision making is not only hard, it’s emotionally draining. I get anxiety and filled with panic just thinking about what needs to be decided as the art of decision-making is not my strongest feature. I am more of an impulsive decision maker or I just go with the flow……usually.

However, with infertility I can’t be impulsive or relaxed. Every little decision has to be thought out throughly and weighed heavily against the other options. I have to think about whats financially best for me and what is best for my emotional well-being.

It is hard to make these important decisions when I haven’t been given answers as to why everything isn’t working in the first place. I feel as if  I am throwing a bunch of darts in the air and hoping that one of them sticks.

I can feel myself getting more tense and stressed as we approach my WTF appointment this week. I feel the stress kicking in because I am worried about what Dr. B will say. What can he say that he didn’t in our last WTF appointment 7 months ago? I remember the feeling of being defeated and not being closer to knowing why this is happening….I don’t want to feel that way again. I don’t want to be left with no guidance when making this impactful of a decision.

I just want someone to tell me that if I do this….then I am guaranteed a child. But, that’s not how unexplained infertility works. (I really wish it worked like that)

Last night I wasn’t able to sleep as all I could think about were the decisions that need to be made. All I could think about was the cost of each decision and what if the decision I make doesn’t work. My hubby and I both want the same outcome, but are thinking about different paths to get there. This has caused unwanted tension, stress and lots of tears. I just feel emotionally drained and exhausted.

I haven’t lost hope as I know eventually my family will grow and I will keep doing whatever it takes….

but,

I just want things to start getting a little easier.

XO

17 thoughts on “Death by Decisions

  1. Hey! It’s Sarah B – I still can read all the blogs event though I got rid of mine. I am thinking about you this week and how difficult your appointment will be. Quick Q for you – have you by chanced discussed NKC or an inflammatory disease? I did with my Dr. at my Nov. WTF appointment and she said that although they don’t test for any of it in their office, she would put me on steroids next time, just in case. I basically had told her that if we do IVF again, we needed to change something in the 2ww. And that is what we agreed upon. Just a thought. I appreciated that she was open to it. Again – first and foremost, I am thinking of you this week. hugs your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I believe I was tested for NKC, but not 100% sure. I am in the process now of getting an appointment with a doctor in Chicago who deals with RPL and everything that goes with it. I’ve come to realize that I need another doctor to help me stay pregnant that my main RE is just there for the IVF part. It’s going to take a village to help me stay pregnant. 🙂 xo

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Never heard the phrase “WTF appointment” but that’s truly the best way to describe it. WTF happened to my period is my current question, hasn’t been around since August and so I’ve still not been able to even start my 2nd cycle so I’ll be going in Thursday to find out WTF (hopefully) is happening with my damn uterus. And the thoughts are all over the map. Everything seems logical, and everything seems emotional. There is no right answer. Breathing through it. I got yer back.

    Like

  3. Hugs Hun. I know how you feel – we should have our genetic test results in s month or so and then I know I will have to decide something, anything. I’ll have the information the will have to decide what to do with it. I’m dreading that – as much as I want the results I also like want to live in a bubble. I’m sorry you are dealing with a similar situation. It’s not fun. Xxx.

    Like

  4. I hear you. Last weekend, I saw my parents and just started crying and then couldn’t stop. I couldn’t put a finger on what was wrong and then I realized (aside from the hormones going haywire from pre-FET birth control) the reason I was crying was nostalgia. I couldn’t stop thinking about when I was a kid and my parents made my decisions and everything was so simple. Ugh. Adulthood sometimes just really stinks and I wish there were signposts or guideposts to let us know which way to go. Best of luck to you as you mull over what I know are very difficult choices. Xo.

    Like

    1. Thanks, yes, it’s the most random things that can make me sad. You never know when it will hit.I wish I could just have 100% in what my RE will say, but that hasn’t worked yet and I’m not convinced it will work. xo

      Like

  5. Aww I am sorry Hun! Making decisions in this whole thing is the hardest part for me. Try not to rush the decision. Which I know is hard since when you wait it means longer before a baby I totally get it. One thing and I can’t remember if you have done this or not sorry, but getting a second opinion and changing RE was huge for us!!! Thinking about you!

    Like

    1. I think not rushing into a decision is the hardest part, because I’m just ready to be done with infertility, but I know I need to wait it out for whatever decision is best. I did get a second opinion this summer at CCRM, but they didn’t find anything else as to why the pregnancies don’t stick. I’m in the process now of getting a third opinion and digging deeper into immune issues. xo

      Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s