This decision-making stuff is hard.
It’s times like these that I realize I really am an adult and I can’t run and hide from my problems. I have to face them head on, even if I don’t want to.
Especially when the problem is as big and scary as infertility and repeated pregnancy loss.
Especially when each decision is more expensive than you ever realized.
Decision making is not only hard, it’s emotionally draining. I get anxiety and filled with panic just thinking about what needs to be decided as the art of decision-making is not my strongest feature. I am more of an impulsive decision maker or I just go with the flow……usually.
However, with infertility I can’t be impulsive or relaxed. Every little decision has to be thought out throughly and weighed heavily against the other options. I have to think about whats financially best for me and what is best for my emotional well-being.
It is hard to make these important decisions when I haven’t been given answers as to why everything isn’t working in the first place. I feel as if I am throwing a bunch of darts in the air and hoping that one of them sticks.
I can feel myself getting more tense and stressed as we approach my WTF appointment this week. I feel the stress kicking in because I am worried about what Dr. B will say. What can he say that he didn’t in our last WTF appointment 7 months ago? I remember the feeling of being defeated and not being closer to knowing why this is happening….I don’t want to feel that way again. I don’t want to be left with no guidance when making this impactful of a decision.
I just want someone to tell me that if I do this….then I am guaranteed a child. But, that’s not how unexplained infertility works. (I really wish it worked like that)
Last night I wasn’t able to sleep as all I could think about were the decisions that need to be made. All I could think about was the cost of each decision and what if the decision I make doesn’t work. My hubby and I both want the same outcome, but are thinking about different paths to get there. This has caused unwanted tension, stress and lots of tears. I just feel emotionally drained and exhausted.
I haven’t lost hope as I know eventually my family will grow and I will keep doing whatever it takes….
I just want things to start getting a little easier.