Last month I told myself that I would take the 31 days off from stressing about infertility, from talking about it on a daily basis, and I would enjoy as much wine as I could before IVF take 2. I wanted a month to myself and to not be constantly bombarded with thoughts and stresses of infertility.
However, life never goes as we plan and I couldn’t escape the daily reminders of my fertility struggles….at least I was able to enjoy lots of good wine.
While I was busy with friends visiting from out of town, a wedding in San Francisco where my hubby officiated, and engagement parties…I still had infertility on my mind…constantly. I was not able to escape the appointments or phone calls that go into scheduling an IVF cycle or following my HCG back down. I still had and have to go in weekly to get my blood drawn to get the slow dropping numbers back to 0. I had to plan appointments in Chicago with Dr. K-K and I had to start coordinating and asking questions of CCRM. I had to account for all my infertility expenses from 2015 for tax purposes. And, to top it off I had a few melt downs that my husband is still trying to wrap his head around.
While at the wedding in Burlingame, CA & catching up with a friend in Santa Cruz I was surrounded by new babies and pregnant women. I should have a new baby or should at least be pregnant by now. During engagement parties I am surrounded by new babies and women talking about getting pregnant and picking the right time…oh, wouldn’t it be nice to plan my pregnancy. To just get pregnant at the drop of a hat and not worry about miscarriages. When one of my favorites and her family are visiting me and my house is chaotic with two little girls and I loved every moment of it. But, when they leave my house is quiet again and I am drowning in the silence.
So, even when I try to take a month off it is still there…the reminders that I am going through fertility struggles and that I don’t know when or how it will end. Even when I have a month spent surrounded by so much love and friendship I am still not as fulfilled as I should be.