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Suffering is optional


Infertility generates pain and it’s pretty unavoidable. I try to disguise my pain with a smile or pretend that it’s not there, but it is always there. It’s constantly there.

It is constantly there, because…..

Each month that goes by and i’m not pregnant is painful. Every pregnancy that ends suddenly is painful. Every question that I have to dodge regarding my infertility is painful. And, spending time with friends who aren’t empathetic to my situation is painful.

While I can’t control the pain, I have learned that I can control my suffering. Up until recently I suffered alone in silence. I didn’t let many people in on my infertility journey and shared very little with those who knew some of my story. I felt I couldn’t share my journey, because friends who have never walked the journey of infertility just wouldn’t understand. No-one can really understand the pain and suffering that infertility causes until they are deep in the trenches of it.

So, for the first time in three years I decided to reach out and join an infertility support group. I have looked up groups before, but never could bring myself to attend one as I honestly thought my struggles with infertility were coming to an end. But, my journey is still ongoing and I have realized that the end of it is still out on the horizon. I found a Resolve group that meets close to me and I sucked it up and I went to a meeting.

And, I am so glad I did.

For the first time I was surrounded by others who understood the pain that I have been experiencing. I found a group of woman and some husbands who were empathetic to what I was going through, because they were also going through something very similar. While we were all on different parts of our journey we had the common theme of grief and pain. We had the common theme of keeping our journey guarded from friends because sometimes sharing it just to0 hard.

These women were empathetic as they understood what it’s like to fall down on your bathroom floor in the middle of the night overcome with the grief of infertility. They understood the obsession that takes ahold of your life as you wait for the next part of your infertility journey to begin. They understand what it’s like to stay away from friends or events, because you are not sure you can handle the social scene anymore.

I can almost kick myself that I didn’t attend one of these meetings earlier on in my fertility journey. If I had attended a meeting earlier I maybe wouldn’t have felt so alone for so long.

If you are still in the trenches of Infertility, IVF, or RPL then I highly reccomend you look up your local RESOLVE  group (or another fertility support group) and find the support to help ease some of your suffering. Because, I am so glad that I did.


18 thoughts on “Suffering is optional

  1. I can understand your feelings!. I know how hard it is to spend time with friends who aren not empathetic to our situation. Our RE suggested us to consult a counsellor/join a support group, but somehow I managed to keep it inside of me. I do have regrets for not doing that!. I am happy that you joined a RESOLVE group. Our mental peace is more important in our journey!. XO

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I found our first two RESOLVE meetings great, with the second one being better as it was almost half men. The only thing I didn’t like however is the ones we were at felt more like AA where you told your story but no one was allowed to offer suggestions, etc. At the very end they’d stop and it’d “officially” end and then and only then could we share our thoughts about the REs we went to, specifics about treatment, etc., but by then it was 9pm and we were exhausted. The other two support groups in town unfortunately don’t fit us – one you have to pay to be in (yikes!) and doesn’t allow men, and the other I found the other day is religion-focused, which we just don’t subscribe to in the land of science. I’m so glad you found a good one – they are invaluable! Even though I don’t go to one anymore, just having gone was so helpful to know there are others out there battling. Being a donor egg IVF’er it’s harder to find folks who’ve been through this, so I’ve ended up back on the FertileThoughts forum as they have a forum just for DEIVF. I don’t spend too much time on it but it’s helpful when I need to see that others have failed cycles with donor eggs which we’re all told is practically a sure thing going into it.

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  3. This is so great to read. I have been thinking about a support group as well. I haven’t opened up to most of my friends about any of this yet, but having people to not just sympathize, but EMPATHIZE can make all the difference.


  4. This is truly such a positive and very brave step to take. You should be proud of yourself. It’s hard to open up about this pain but your post is so very true, we can control our suffering and we most certainly aren’t alone in this journey. Thank you for this.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is wonderful that you decided to go to resolve! I went to my first one in December and I was so, so glad I did. And I am very open about our struggles to friends and work colleagues, it is difficult on occasion, but I’ve also found comfort too when things get tough, so resolve really can be a neutral place for expressing all feelings 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I found a lot of solace in support groups for loss, too.

    Looking back at it all – but still being so close – I can’t help but think we’re all amazing women. Hell and back but we’re all still looking for a bright side, trying to be our best selves and live life fully during the middle of an epic shit storm. If this isn’t crazy making, I don’t know what is!!

    So glad you found a good group.

    Liked by 1 person

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