This year for National Infertilty Awarness Week the theme is Start Asking. What do we want others to ask us regarding our personal journies with infertility or for me, repeat pregnancy loss.
Last week when I finally decided to put something on Facebook regarding my struggles with infertility I got the same response, I don’t know what to say. Friends feel uncomfortable brining up my infertility struggles and I feel uncomfortable when they don’t. I’ve had friends tell me that they feel weird brining it up or they just really don’t know what to say at all. And, it’s not a good feeling when your friends start to feel awkward around you or you feel they are tip toeing around the very large elephant in the room.
When I finally sat down and started thinking about what I wanted others to start asking me it took me a while to decide, what did I want them to ask me. Did I want them to ask me about the process of IVF? Did I want them to ask me what it feels like when your constantly stuck in a TWW? Or did I want them to ask me why I feel so lonely and so isolated at all times?
For me, I realized that I just wanted friends to ask me how they can be there for me and ask me what I need from them to keep this friendship strong as I deal with some very heavy stuff. I want friends to ask and not be silent and to bring it up if they are wondering what is happening in my journey at the moment.
I remember after my second miscarriage I had a girlfriend call me and say she is brining me coffee and we can talk about it if we want, but we don’t have to. That gesture meant so much to me. I didn’t have to ask her to come over and she was wise enough to know that maybe I wasn’t ready to talk, but she would be there if I was. She didn’t have to ask, she just knew that at that moment I needed someone to be there for me.
Xo
the longest journey 
Good discussion! I don’t know what I would prefer really… It’s hard to say. I think your friend being there for you and not talking if you want to is good. I really didn’t want to talk about it, although I did want some people to know when I had a miscarriage. However as soon as I told them they’d want to talk about it and ask all the clumsy questions. Which is why I’d rather not talk about it with them!
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You’ve got it spot-on as far as what you want from your friends. I asked for it and didn’t get it from all the close friends (ironically two acquaintances of mine have stepped up..meaning I see them every couple of months…but the close ones, i.e. the ones invited to my wedding? gone.) The one I considered to be like a sister canceled plans multiple times after I finally did get brave and say “I really need some real time beyond ‘meeting for drinks’ or having HER over for dinner which I cooked. At first seemed open to it, yet each time we scheduled it, ironically something came up with her (adult) kids where she canceled things last minute. I finally just stopped calling and this last cycle, not a peep from her. Nothing like IVF to see what people around you are made of.
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I feel ya! I felt really supported from the small group of people I told about my first three miscarriages, but after #4,5,&6 I didn’t feel as supported anymore. The flowers stopped rolling in and the visits stopped as well. It’s almost like people were tired of my three year struggle and ready to move on. I still have some really supportive people in my life, but it’s few and far between. I’m sorry that you have the same situation going on, it’s hard!
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Well put, they’re tired of our struggle. ironically, one of my besties was a woman who had had 6 miscarriages, never wanted to talk about it, and told me that her situation was nothing like mine because she wasn’t infertile, since she could get pregnant no problem. Kind of stunned the hell outta me.
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This is great! I love your spin on the start asking theme. I would love it if more of my friends had simply asked me how I was doing. And what is up with the fact that friends taper off the more miscarriages you have? We need them more after each one, not less! It’s really weird. Now people ask me how I’m feeling all the time–don’t get me wrong, of course I appreciate this. But I am kind of like where the hell were you when I was going though multiples IVFs, miscarriages and crazy immune treatments? And now that there’s something happy happening they’re back to being around. I just find it strange!
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All I want is for them to ask how I am doing. Instead of ignoring me and my situation. It doesn’t even have to be “How are you doing in regards to ‘my situation'”. But just how are you doing today friend? As if my struggle doesn’t make it awkward on THEM to talk to me.
I have found my real friends, and I’m disappointed about the number. I’m quite saddened by it actually.
Maybe people just have to know what we want them to say, but I don’t know how to tell them!
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Coffee & the invite to talk–perfect. Sometimes thats all we need from others.
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What a great friend you have! I hope more people will start asking about how to support you in this journey. I also like it when friends ask specifics about the process because it is very complex and it’s hard to explain how overwhelming without going in depth about the process.
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