The Calm Before The Storm

I haven’t been able to sit down and write any updates for a while now because I am at a complete loss for words. I almost feel embarrassed and ashamed that I was blasting my happiness to everyone only for it to be taken away so quickly.

My doctor was kind enough to let me schedule a follow-up ultrasound last week to ease my fears of getting over our doom day of 6 weeks 5 days. In two past pregnancies they ended right at that exact time and so I was eager to get over the hump and move on with my pregnancy. But, the world can be a cruel cruel place and we found out that we did not make it over our doom day. It strikes again. Right at 6w5d. I hate that date, I hate writing it and I hate looking at it.

As soon as I saw the screen I knew what I was in for. I have been through this before. I knew that I should be seeing a larger fetus on the screen and that I should be hearing a heartbeat like the week before. It was like I was in a bad nightmare and I couldn’t wake up, I still can’t seem to wake up from it.

The night before my ultrasound my hubby and I sat and talked about how calm we felt for the next day. We heard a heartbeat and we didn’t think that would be taken away from us. My hubby pulled up statistics and we thought that we were in the clear because once you hear a heartbeat it’s only a 4% chance that you will miscarry. We thought that the worst was behind us and we went into the ultrasound excited and eager to see our growing baby. We even considered finding out the sex as a way to celebrate getting over our hurdle (since we did testing we can know the sex right away). How stupid of us to think so positive. How naive to think that this was actually our turn. We should have known better…things don’t work out for us.

I feel as if I am walking around in a thick fog and I can’t find my way. I feel utterly lost, defeated, and broken. I had hope just last week and that has been stripped from me. I feel numb and I am struggling to think about moving forward. I am so tired of getting my hopes up only to have them come crashing down.

XO